"Nice guy, if 'nice' means shitty."
- Elementary school teacher
"He'd look great as a woman"
- Tyler Perry
"He came in for a checkup, pulled his pants down right away." - Salim's dentist
"This is the best website I've ever seen." - Lorne Michaels about a different website that's not this one
All the food street cart owners in NYC are Egyptian.
I wonder if it's a pyramid scheme.
I’m naming my future daughter Felicia so guys don’t say hi to her.
I had an engineering teacher say once I should quit engineering and do comedy, so I told him he should quit engineering and become a guidance counselor.
It’s hard to meet someone. All the good women are either taken or happy.
I love astronomy. I spend a lot of time with SunChips Moon Pies, and Starburst.
It's so hot out, people are seeing Jurassic World just for the AC.
Just saw a man in uniform and thanked him for his service.
They need to know they’re appreciated, those Dunkin’ Donuts workers.
I was so romantic in middle school; I used to always buy my girlfriend flowers.
In return she gave me a passing grade.
My boss caught me having sex on his desk one time. I was fired for bad performance.
I went to the doctor for lab work and the nurse complimented me on my veins.
Then I pulled my pants up.
One time I wanted to start a photography business, but I just couldn't picture it.
I've cut back on sugar and I already feel bitter.
Apparently if you're born from the late 70s to the early 80s, you're a Xennial.
It comes from Millennial + Xanax.
I was walking around DC and saw this very angry pregnant lady earlier.
Turns out I’m still recognizable with a fake mustache and glasses.
I tried that new unicorn Frappe from Starbucks. It was OK, but whoever "Vanessa" is, she wasn't happy about it.
I gave up my seat for an old lady on metro today. And she gave me back my phone.
One time a fitness trainer told me to cut back on carbs, so I cut back on fitness trainers.
To conquer stage fright, I imagine the audience in my underwear.
I want a Rolex but I can’t afford it. So I’m just gonna get the Apple Watch and change the background.
I said "thank you" to this guy in the elevator after he wished me a "good day" even though he didn't say anything. Don't let your happiness depend on others.
Trump's lawyer said he won't cooperate with Congress. No word yet on where Trump's lawyer's lawyer stands.
Mark Zuckerberg finally has a degree from Harvard. It's going to open a lot of doors for him.
I went to a therapist once and said I feel people are taking advantage of me. She said "relax, take a deep breath, and go get me Chipotle."
I was playing kickball one time and drank a beer while I played. My 5th grade teacher was pissed. "Give me that, you're only 16."
I'm convinced the male ego is responsible for many of the world's problems. If you don't believe me, I'm going to be very upset.
Salim Alam is a comedy writer and irritated man based out of Washington, DC. He has studied improv at the DC Improv theatre and sketch writing with The Second City. He writes satirical articles and monologue jokes that focus on politics. Salim enjoys absolutely nothing, go away, and guitars.